


We Are Here

by AspartameFox



Category: Saiyuki (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:55:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22010644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AspartameFox/pseuds/AspartameFox
Summary: It's a typical night on the journey to the west, and Sanzo just wanted a good night's sleep.
Kudos: 9





	We Are Here

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Gulika](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Gulika).



> So, this was originally written for the Saiyuki Secret Santa exchange, however, I misread the prompt. At first, I misunderstood Sanzo Ikkou to be Sanzo's Sanzo name (duh), and not the Japanese term for "the Sanzo party" and then, what was supposed to be "relaxing" kind of spiraled into this - sorry. When I realized I had misunderstood the prompt entirely, I then faced some familial strife/personal problems and couldn't finish another piece in time for the New Year. I apologize to my giftee, and am willing to write them a second fic of their liking, or attempt some of their requested art (I just need more time, sorry!). I didn't want this to go to waste, even if my giftee didn't ask for it, so I decided to share it anyway in hopes someone likes it (because there's never enough Saiyuki content!) Some of the dialogue has been quoted from the English translation of the manga printing in 2004.
> 
> Constructive criticism welcome! I struggled writing Sanzo as he was not my favourite character before starting (ok he's still not my fave but I understand/respect him a lot more after re-reading parts of the manga and fighting with myself, lol) so I understand if people, who love him more than me, would like to give me their thoughts.

Sanzo had retired early that night, although he hadn’t been able to fall asleep until much later. Despite Hakkai’s attempt to quiet the rowdy duo, their default was obnoxiously loud and it wasn’t until they settled in themselves that it was quiet enough to drift off. Peaceful sleep didn’t last long for Sanzo though as loud snores ripped through the peaceful night. The air was humid and heavy, which didn’t help matters. Sanzo laid there, eyes closed, eyebrows twitching, resisting the urge to pull his gun on whoever was making so much noise. The threat would only wake everyone up, and be more irritating to deal with. 

He sat up abruptly and pushed the light blanket off of him. He glared in the dark at noone in particular as his eyes adjusted. It didn’t matter who was doing it, just the fact that someone was disturbing his sleep was enough. He snatched his cigarettes and lighter off the nearby table, and made his way to the balcony, not really paying attention to who or what he stepped on. As he shut the door behind him he could hear groans and stirring of whoever’s knobbly lumps he haphazardly crushed. 

Sanzo smirked a bit to himself as he lit a cigarette. The night air was refreshing when you didn’t have to share it with three other men in a small room. Even without the modern luxuries of a pillow, which Sanzo had forgotten to grab in his frustrated escape, outside was clearly the superior choice. He took a seat on the warm, hard balcony floor and leaned back taking a long drag from his cigarette and closed his eyes. 

It had been a while since he had a moment to himself, even during the parts of the journey when they had had individual rooms, he didn’t get much time alone. Goku would usually burst in wanting to play games, or Gojyo would need to bum cigarettes, or Hakkai would want to borrow the card for groceries, or some demon would bust through the ceiling. Something always disturbed his chance to have a moment of peace. Someone always needed something. Here though, despite the crickets chirping and the shrill hum of the cicadas, it felt quiet. Those noises were familiar and could be easily be ignored while he listened to his thoughts, or slept. 

He let half a chuckle escape his lips. Sleep. Yes. Sleep would be nice. He flicked his cigarette and gave the door a glare. It did a good job muffling the sounds of the loud snoring inside the room. He took another drag on his cigarette closing his eyes. 

A bullfrog’s croak cut through the night air and when he opened his eyes again it was light. Painfully bright, infact, as his eyes adjusted to the sudden bright blue sky. The sounds of the night had been replaced by the sound of a stream, rushing. He tried to look around but found his vision limited… by a blanket? Shit. Had a demon attacked when he was carelessly relaxing outside? He reached for his gun to find nothing. In fact he couldn’t move much at all. He was tightly wrapped in the blanket and his gun was nowhere in reach. There was rustling and crunching of footsteps closing in on him and he braced himself. What emerged from the brush was not a demon but instead a smiling blond man. A very familiar blond man. 

"Oh dear, are you the one who’s been calling me?" His voice was soft and comforting. Sanzo was stunned momentarily. Master? No, it must be a hallucination, a trick! He tried to shout out but what came out was baby noises instead. Sanzo fell quiet a second time while Koumyou Sanzo reassured him softly, adjusting his swaddling. Sanzo finally got a hand free and noticed it was tiny. He went to curse aloud, but instead a baby’s wail emerged from his mouth. Koumyou Sanzo brushed his face softly. “Oh? I’m late? Apologies, I must not have gotten the invite in time,” he told him as he carried him out of the river. “I don’t think you get to complain though, it’s not like you gave very good directions,” he continued, smiling. "But that can't be helped, seeing as how you're new to this world," he chuckled. Despite his frustration at everything that was happening, he couldn’t help but be soothed by the familiar voice he had missed so much. Sorrow threatened to overtake him as his eyelids grew heavy. He didn’t want to close his eyes incase it was a trap. He didn’t want to miss a moment incase it wasn’t.

When he next woke he was already walking down a long corridor, the floor creaking in familiar places. Unable to stop himself, a smaller than expected hand reached out for the door. A door that seemed much larger than it should’ve been. He paused for a moment and looked around. The hall too, and other doors seemed to loom over him. A quick glance down told him it was not his body anymore. Well it was, just not the adult body he’d become accustomed to. He wasn’t wearing the Maten Sutra his master had given him, and for a moment panic rushed over him as he went to grab where they should be on his shoulders. What should’ve been sinewy muscle and scars, was instead juvenile softness. Right. He had only just been an infant moments before so this must’ve been before he had been named his master’s successor.

He reached up his hand once more for the door and braced himself in preparation for a terrible scene - a nightmare that continued to plague him for years later. Chronologically, it should’ve have happened yet but dreams, if this is a dream, are fickle things, and if this is a demon’s work, why not torment him some more? Much to his relief, sunlight spilled across the floor, and into the hallway, illuminating his familiar figure when his eyes adjusted. He heard a light chuckle and a welcoming voice. “Kouryuu, have you come to visit me?” Koumyou asked seemingly unsurprised at the sudden intrusion. Happiness bloomed in Sanzo’s chest. It was like he was a child all over again. Koumyou patted the floor beside him, “Come, I’ll show you how to fold paper airplanes.” Sanzo stepped into the room and slid the door shut behind him and took a seat beside his master. There was a number of orange sheets of origami paper beside the priest. Koumyou was patient with Kouryuu’s chubby fingers even when Sanzo wasn’t. No matter how hard he tried his fingers seemed to get in the way, he couldn't make the perfect sharp folds his master could. He was incredibly frustrated with himself. He knew he’d done it before, well his adult body had at least, but it would take many more years of idly folding the planes by memory before he had fully mastered the skill. “It’ll come in time,” Koumyou reassured him. It would, but that didn’t make Sanzo less annoyed at the current situation. He desperately wanted to fold them now, as stupid as it was to admit it. 

When they let their planes go, Kouryuu’s didn’t go far but Koumyou’s flew beautifully. “Isn’t it pretty?" Koumyou asked. "The orange brings out the blue - the opposite colours enhance each other’s beauty.” Kouryuu watched as his master’s orange plane cut through the blue sky. “I’m sorry, this is boring, isn’t it?” 

Kouryuu shook his head, “no, it is pretty,” and Koumyou smiled. Sanzo felt overwhelmed by his emotions flooding in from the memories. Who or what was doing this? Was this just another nightmare? What was the point of all this if it was just a dream? He closed his eyes, trying to memorize the colours, his voice, this moment, and when he opened them everything was gone.

He was standing now, outside, soft and short, but a little less than before. In his hand he was gripping a broom tightly, having been tasked with sweeping up the leaves on the temple ground no doubt. The air had a biting chill, and the colourful leaves were all over. He reached down to pick up a particularly bright orange one and hold it against the blue sky. If he squinted his eyes, he could swear it was the same shade of the origami paper just moments before. His hands were still smaller than expected, and for some reason that pissed him off. He was reminded of how small, frail and weak he was when it happened, and how he was powerless to save him. Not that larger hands alone would’ve helped, but had he been stronger, older, wiser, had his gun, maybe things would’ve turned out differently.

He dropped the leave and noticed a familiar silhouette poking out from behind a nearby tree, smoke trailing up into the sky. His body moved against his will and now he was standing beside his master, looking up at him. “...maybe you should smoke where people can’t see you?” the words tumbled from his mouth before he had a chance to stop them. There was so many questions he wanted to ask, so many things he wanted to say, why did that come out instead? The response of course is how Sanzo remembered it.

“Mmm. But the fall sky is so pretty,” his master smiled. “It’s okay, I’ll be careful not to start a fire.”

“That has nothing to do with it… but I don’t care if you burn everything. It’ll save me the trouble of sweeping.” He sighed. It was true, he didn’t care. For Buddha, the temple, or even the other obnoxious and annoying monks. If Koumyou hadn’t been there, he wouldn’t have been either. That’s what made these words so irritating. He found himself repeating history with little control. It was a waste of time when there was so little precious time left. 

The memory had finished without him. It was dark again and he was sitting in his master’s room across from him. He felt bitter that he had squandered the last one with inane chatter. He knew what was happening, what was going to happen, and once again he was powerless to stop it. Once again he would have to watch his master be taken from him, from this world. He couldn't hear his words now but he knew what he was saying. He was to be 31st of China, Genjo Sanzo, successor to Koumyou Sanzo. "I don’t think it’s possible, master. Thank you for the thought… but I’m not worthy to be a Sanzo priest," and still those words echoed true to the feelings in Sanzo’s heart. Despite how hard he tried to fill his master's shoes, how he struggled despite his mortal limitations to prove that Koumyou Sanzo hadn't made a mistake, he still believed he fell short. He hadn’t done enough. He hadn’t been enough. It was glaringly obvious when he travelled with three demons, he was always the one trailing behind. Sure, he tried to hide his deficits behind his surly demeanor, but there were moments when it was all laid bare and he despised it. It was then the disparaging voices in his head could not be silenced and the sorrow threatened to consume him. He felt hopeless. 

"Listen to me, Kouryuu. There were never any criteria for becoming a Sanzo. It’s been thirteen years, but I think I see now. A Sanzo needs a strong body… but, more importantly, he needs a strong spirit. It’s time for you to be strong… Priest Genjyo Sanzo.” That’s it. Those are the last words his master ever spoke to him. The smile that accompanied those words was the last one he’d ever see on his master’s face. His heart started to pound loudly in his ears. He grabbed the robes on his legs so tight, his knuckles went white. He knew what was going to happen next. What always happened next. What happened every time he had this damn, fucking nightmare.

It went black, and nothing came. No slamming of the shoji doors, no shouts, no flutter of fabric, or wet noises. There was nothing but pitch black, and a faint voice calling to him. It wasn’t the voice of his master, but it was familiar. He stood up, his body familiar again. He didn’t know where he was going in the dark but he started walking towards where he thought the voice was coming. Slowly the memory began to appear, first the dirt path below his feet, then the trees beside him. He stopped as a familiar cell made of stone and talisman where a young boy sat behind. A part of him was relieved to see him, part was annoyed at the memory of the insistent calling. 

“Hey, you the one who’s been calling me?” Sanzo approached the bars, and without effort they crumbled into dust.

“Huh?” the boy looked confused, now emerging from the cell.

“Now cut the act. It’s annoying.” Sanzo grumbled.

“I haven’t been calling anyone,” he admitted with the same stupid look on his face.

Sanzo turned to leave but Goku followed. He was half relieved, half annoyed, caught up in the feelings from his memories. “How long are you gonna follow me, dammit?” He snapped, turning to face the boy.

However, the boy was not alone. Goku stood grinning beside two men, both smiling. Hakkai, Gojyo, when did they get here? They weren’t in the original memory. Sanzo was speechless for a moment. 

“I thought we were on this journey together?” Hakkai smiled politely. 

“Looks like baldy thinks he can do this solo!” Gojyo remarked.

“Hey! We’re your friends!” Goku shouted, looking a bit offended. “Of course we’re going to follow you! We’re going to be with you every step of the way! You don’t have to be strong all by yourself, y’know!”

Sanzo tch’d, looking away from the group, not wanting to show them how glad he was that they were there. He started walking again only to start to shake uncontrollably and erratically. He turned back to look at the group but they were fading of out view. “You don’t….. By yourself, y’know!” Goku’s voice shouted through the encroaching darkness. “Y’know!”

Sanzo’s eyes flew open to see the monkey inches from his face. He was back on the balcony at the inn, and the sky was bright with light. “You didn’t have to sleep out here all by yourself, y’know!” Goku looked concerned and a bit confused. Sanzo put a hand to the boy’s face and shoved him off him. 

“You’re too damn close, monkey runt!” He grumbled, turning away so he couldn’t see any sign of relief on the older man’s face.

“Oww! My eye!” Goku cried, falling to the side.

“You better be careful, monkey! You might end up with droopy eyes like baldy!” Gojyo cracked. A shot went off millimeters from the redhead’s face. “Hey! That almost hit me!”

“Shut up! It’s too early to hear your voice!” 

“Same goes for you, asshole!”

“Nooo! I don’t want droopy eyes!”

The cacophony of voices broke through the town’s heavy silence. Hakkai sat in the far end of the room, sipping tea. “My my, here we were worried that something had happened, but it looks like he’s alright after all,” he commented to nobody in particular as the three were too busy arguing with each other to hear anyone else.

Though Sanzo would never admit it, he was thankful to be back in the room, in the town with his companions. Eventually, he might even come to accept that he is enough because he isn’t ever alone anymore, for better or worse, he has friends to rely on.


End file.
